Why You Keep Repeating Relationship Patterns (Even When You Don’t Want To)
Have you ever told yourself you would never end up in a relationship like your parents had, only to notice yourself repeating similar dynamics later on?
This is something I see often in people carrying early attachment wounds. These patterns usually run on autopilot until we slow down and understand where they come from.
1. What Are Attachment Wounds?
Attachment wounds are emotional injuries that form in early caregiving relationships, especially when safety, consistency, or emotional presence were missing. Over time, you may have learned one of these insecure attachment styles:
Avoidant: pushes down needs, relies only on self
Anxious: fears abandonment, seeks frequent reassurance
Disorganized: longs for closeness but also feels unsafe with it
2. How These Wounds Show Up in Adult Life
The way we learned to connect as children often becomes the blueprint for how we relate later in life. This shows up not only in romantic relationships, but also at work and even in how we treat ourselves.
Some examples:
At work: staying in unhealthy dynamics with controlling or critical bosses
In dating: being drawn to partners who feel emotionally distant
Internally: carrying constant fear of abandonment, even in otherwise stable relationships
3. Why Familiar Feels Safe (Even When It Hurts)
Our brains tend to return to what feels familiar. Unfortunately, what is familiar is not always what is healthy. This is why dysfunctional dynamics from childhood can feel strangely “right” as an adult. What feels comfortable is often just what we already know.
4. How to Break the Cycle
Awareness is the first step, and healing grows from there. With support, you can create new experiences of safety in relationships and retrain your nervous system. Trauma-informed therapy can help you:
Notice old patterns as they arise
Practice staying open to healthy connection
Rewire your sense of what “safe” feels like in your body
You are not destined to repeat the past.
With the right support, you can learn new and nourishing ways of connecting with both yourself and others.
Curious about how your attachment patterns might be shaping your life? Schedule a consultation with one of our therapists!